He is dead. They came in the garden, we were sleeping, it all happened so fast: I tried to fight. He stopped me. Why did he stop me? He healed the man I wounded. Why? Why did he stop me?
They took him, we ran, different ways: it was all confusion. The darkness hid us – scattered like panicked sheep. I followed the torch light, the noise of the baying crowd. Judas! Judas was with them. They congratulated him as they beat The Master. He disappeared into the shadows like the rest of us. I do not understand what was going on. John came to my side in the darkness, he took my arm briefly, squeezed hard – tilted his head, indicated he was going on ahead. I caught the back of the crowd, walked with the servants.
We came to a palace near the Temple Mount. I huddled with the crowd outside, cold and shocked I walked, without thinking, to the fire. The light on my face must have drawn the recognition – a girl, a boy and a man – each pointed at me, their voices rising and the soldiers began to take note. In the garden with a sword in my hand I was ready to fight and to die, here in the cold of the morning, in the dawning reality of what was happening, my heart failed me I swore at them and foreswore knowing him. The cock crow pierced the night, the light began to break the sky – my heart was severed by The Master’s words – he knew this would happen. At that moment he came out – dragged by the guards – he looked right at me. His eyes full of love and compassion, full of peace and determination. In that moment I wanted to cry out but I ran and hid and wept. He knew my heart, always had known, and that look broke me.
I sat for hours, the day grew full around me but my heart was dark and dull, the rising sun did not pierce the cold: shivering I did not feel the hours pass. I heard the baying of the crowd afresh, they drew near and there I saw what I could not believe – John and the Marys following a bloodied criminal carrying a cross. I saw him, recognised him, vomited and staggered. Sickened and terrified I followed at a distance.
He was lifted up and his life poured out of him. I could not hear but I could see. Then there was no seeing, darkness came thick around us. I left then and wandered Jerusalem until the darkness passed. I sit now here in the Temple Courts – there is no comfort here. The Priests are distressed, the people fearful at the darkness and the earth trembling: my hope is dead.
I do not know what is next, don’t know where to go – I feel like I died with him. He is dead. I betrayed him. All I hoped to be true is dead. I am dead. There is no life in me. He is dead. I did not want this, how did it happen? He is dead and I have died with him.